Does the love always outweigh the negative? Roc Marciano really speaks to me. Sitting here in this English pub waiting for a sandwich and chips. Not potato chips I mean french fries. My music playing so loud I hope my ears explode. Trying to avoid my next class, but I can’t. Thinking about how I want to leave my new job with everything in me. But then I might wake up tomorrow and regret it. I’m feeling like I want freedom and peace of mind today. Like I want to be able to focus on school and writing and my business ventures. But tomorrow I might wake up money hungry you know? Is this that quarter life crisis they talk about. I didn’t know this was a thing until I started losing my mind. That shit made me start a Substack. I been writing don’t get me wrong. I fashioned myself a blogger for some time. Writing about Cam’ron’s best diss songs and topics only I could care about. But it was an ego booster making people care about shit that I only thought mattered to me. Shit I would monologue about to my girlfriend. Getting site visits from international people on my Tumblr and even hometown people who had respect for what I had to say. But I wasn’t keeping it as real as this. Not even close.
When this quarter life crisis started I knew I was losing my damn mind. One day I wanted space the next day I wanted to be coddled like my mother would. I even started doing Finance courses on Coursera because I missed being in school. Funny shit like that. The amount of times I quit weed I would have never survived a 12 step anything. Not that I’d need it. And I thought it’d be over soon. I couldn’t classify this shit as depression or whatever buzz words that used to apply to my poor state of mind. Influenced by social media’s toxicity combined with a household that was even more toxic. This was some other shit. Because I am living in the best conditions I have ever experienced. No reason not to be happy. And there were days I genuinely believed that. I genuinely lived in that. And I learned how a mindset can make or break your entire life. That it’s more about how you view your conditions than the conditions themselves.
But real shit, I wanted to change mine. Drastically. I had to. I spent a month in Paris so I could pretend to be a kid who comes from money. A “where did you summer?” type like I know anything about that lifestyle. It was fun though. I learned a lot about myself. And then back in New York I started spilling my guts to you all. Talking about shit that would have me sleeping with the fishes if my family knew. Figuratively of course. But you get the gist. So I erased everything. Poof gone. I never talked about it. But maybe one day I’ll start spilling my guts again. And the love does always outweigh the negative. But how long can I do the same thing and expect a different result? This quarter life crisis is about switching it up.
Quarter life crisis